Your Ego is not the Enemy
Understanding what the ego is, how it works, why we need it, why we decided to fight instead of befriend it, and discovering a POWERFUL exercise for integrating the ego and Soul (scroll to bottom)
On the path of consciousness, the ego can feel like your pesky little sister who just won’t shut up. It yammers in your ear as you go about your day, whispering (and sometimes shouting) unhelpful comments and observations. Sometimes, it feels as if you’re driving attentively down the street when the ego grabs the wheel in a sheer panic and tries to veer you off the road.
When not handled correctly, the ego is a menace. At best, it can be childish or arrogant… at worse, it can maniacally sabotage everything you do.
We try to overcome the ego… to rise above it… to keep it in check… but it never really goes away.
So what do we do with this ineluctable piece of human machinery? When we’re consciously walking an evolutionary Path toward awakening, how do we learn to live with this often difficult-to-manage part of ourselves?
Let’s begin by exploring where the idea of the ego came from in the first place.
What is the Ego?
When we explore psychology, we must remember that the distinctions of any psychological theory are only ways of describing observed phenomena.
Freud noticed something happening in his mind and the minds of others, and he came up with a theory. Basically, he put words to it…
Words have power. When we create a distinction to describe an idea or observation, we can interact with it in a whole new way.
So on one hand… the ego is completely made up.
On the other hand, that chatty voice in your head and the personality that shows up with it, are completely real.
Holding that paradox is important, because when we put too much stock into psychological theories, the whole world starts to look like a malfunctioning mental case. (That’s why I left the field of psychology 😳)
In psychoanalytic theory…
The id, ego, and superego are ways of describing three distinct facets of the human mind.
The ID is the animal instinct. Many people (including Freud) call this the basest part of the human animal, though I think the raw, WILD part of ourselves is one of the best parts. The id is your reactionary, chemical, physical response to the world.
The SUPEREGO is the rational, decision-making part of the mind. From birth, your superego is inculcated with cultural values and ideals. This is the part that most modern humans cherish and idolize, but it’s also the part that most conscious awakened humans spend their waking hours working to overcome!
The EGO is the mediator between the id, the superego, and reality. If you think about it, the ego has a bummer of a job.
The ego has to regulate between all those cultural “shoulds” (which may or may not be correct for you)… your raw, innate ways of being (which others often frown upon)… and the world out there with all it’s many limitations.
For Freud, the id was the lowest and the superego highest. Yet from a modern spiritual perspective, our intuitive, wild selves are often more trustworthy than the cultural values instilled in the rational mind!
However you slice it, the problem with the Freudian worldview is that when we break our minds into these three parts (which was only ever a way of describing things… not the truth of how we operate), we automatically assign different values to the different parts of ourselves.
Freud Ruins Everything
A good friend of mine recently shared some difficulties he was having with his partner. They were fighting a lot, and she seemed to always find something he needed to change, no matter how much effort he made. “The real problem is that she has a Freudian worldview, while I’m more Jungian,” he said with a shrug.
“What does that mean?” my engineer husband asked.
I jumped in, always excited to geek out on the psych stuff I learned in undergrad— “Well, she sees people as broken things that need fixing… and he’s on an epic adventure of personal growth.”
“Exactly!” our friend agreed with my interpretation.
The problem with psychoanalytic theory and Freud in general is that it treats the world as if it’s somehow messed up.
We can always find something wrong with the world, but when we come from that perspective, it robs us of the opportunity to be on an epic adventure for personal growth!
When we come from the Freudian world view that the ego is a base form of ourselves, we automatically come at it from an antagonistic stance.
The truth is, the ego is necessary for our growth and survival. It’s necessary for our daily life here on planet Earth.
The Machine in the Man
In modern spirituality studies, the ego usually plays the villain in the drama. Let’s face it… it just can’t live up to the evolved and awesome humans many of us dream of being.
We usually experience ego as:
Completely self-obsessed and narcissistic
Fearful, anxious, or easily overwhelmed
Judgy McJudgerson unhelpfully narrating the world
The chatterbox in your head who won’t shut up
The worst advice-giver and your constant saboteur
At best, egos are unevolved and untrustworthy. At worst, they become the enemy.
The ego is part of you who gets scared over silly things. It’s the part of you that feels threatened when other people succeeded. It’s the part of you who gets jealous and plays games in relationships. In the professional world, having a big ego means you think you’re more important than others, which often leads to narcissistic tendencies.
But it’s also the part of you who is hardwired to survive here on Planet Earth!
The ego is the one who keeps track of the million things that happen to you in your life and reminds you not to do the scary or dangerous ones again.
It’s the one who says:
I’m hungry.
I gotta pee!
That guy’s an asshole.
The ego is more than just the personality—it’s the subconscious structure of who you are. The set of automatic responses and ingrained patterns that run your life here on Planet Earth.
Because whether you like it or not… right now you’re in a human body, and somebody’s got to run this complex machinery!
Your ego may not be the deepest soul version of yourself, and it may not describe the beautiful Spirit who only inhabits this human body, but at the same time it’s very much you.
Soul Emergence - Who is “I”?
When Freud originally came up with this theory, he called the three parts the “is”, the “ich”, and the “über-ich”… literally the “it”, the “I”, and the “beyond-I”. (His original translators coined the words id, ego, and superego, and those terms stuck.)
When we come back to the word as Freud created it, what we’re really talking about when we say “ego” is the “I”.
It’s the personality… literally the one who says “I”.
Now here’s where it gets tricky…
When you embark on the path of consciousness and you begin to wake up to the programming inside your own head, there’s another creature who emerges.
It’s been called by many names—the Highest Self, Godde-Self, Soul, Spirit, or even simply—the Observer.
Whether through Divine encounter, psychedelic experience, meditation, trauma, or any other means of awakening…
When your Soul emerges as a character in the Freudian drama,
all the old rules go out the window.
Suddenly, someone is able to watch the ego.
“But wait!” the ego cries. “This is my show!”
The Soul smiles knowingly.
“No, really!” the ego protests. “I’m not just some character in here. This is a first-person drama… and I’m the star!”
When we first embark on the Path of the Soul, those ego protests can be overwhelming.
You can lose hours, days, even years of your life, falling back into the ego trap—even after awakening.
A lot of schools of meditation and spiritual studies teach us to put the ego in a box… to lock them away and throw away the key.
But no matter what you do, there is no getting rid of your ego.
(Nor should you want to!)
The ego is a part of you… an important part. And it’s time to help the ego take it’s rightful place in our lives.
Stop Doing Battle with Your Ego
Your ego has been with you every day of your life.
Before you woke up to the extraordinary reality of awakened consciousness, your ego carried you through every moment of every day.
It developed as a child, creating patterns to keep you safe. Even if it gets it wrong a lot of the time, your ego always has your best interest at heart. It’s constantly trying and doing it’s best.
What would your life look like if you began to view your ego as the friend who’s always with you? The one who never abandons you, no matter how hard it gets? The one who’s always ready to offer a wealth of ideas and opinions for every situation?
What if your ego is simply your roommate-for-life?
If you step back and look at your roommate… how have you treated them over the years?
Have you been kind to them?
Do you give them space to be themselves?
Do you appreciate and thank them when they help you out?
OR
Have you tried to silence them?
Have you pretended their feelings don’t matter?
Have you blamed them when their plans didn’t work out?
When the ego is patterned from childhood with amazing skills of competency, we develop one kind of relationship with them. When the ego is wounded and traumatized, we develop another kind of relationship.
But however the ego shows up, it is uniquely you…
When your ego is wounded, you are wounded.
When your ego feels unheard, you are unheard.
Your entire life, your ego has been trying to make awesome choices that will make you happy, protect you from harm, and help you succeed. Sometimes it’s great at that, and sometimes it’s not.
Perhaps your ego is super competent, and it’s so proud of itself for helping you be awesome that it wants to shout it from the rooftops. You experience your ego as a narcissist who thinks you’re better than everyone else.
Perhaps your ego is a total fuck-up, so when it offers well-meaning advice, it’s met with blame and ridicule. You experience your ego as useless, fearful, malicious, or worse.
Perhaps your ego is simply taken for granted, alternately ignored and obeyed depending on how much consciousness you’re able to muster in each moment. Your ego is simply who you are, and you use their skills without an ounce of gratitude.
But through all of this, there’s one important thing to understand:
Your ego is you!
It’s like your body—it’s not ALL there is to you. But it’s inescapable. It will all ways be there… at least while you’re here on Planet Earth!
And it’s a part of you that needs compassion.
When we’re at war with part of ourselves, we can’t embrace the totality of the magical life that is waiting for us.
One of my favorite spiritual teachers is a revolutionary who is all about bringing Love to the planet. Matt Kahn recognizes—as so few other teachers have—the importance of the ego. His funny and compassionate style, combined with his unique and powerful ability to transmit Divine information, easily make this the most powerful video you’ll watch all week.
Powerful Practice for Ego Integration
The Universe is miraculous in its little winks and coincidences. As I was contemplating how to complete this article and share what’s possible in terms of the integration of the Spirit and ego, an Energy Magic client came to me with this exact issue.
We shared a magical session where she was able to bring together the beautiful personality side of herself with her eternal and powerful Soul Self.
Here are the steps to begin the process on your own:
For best results, take as much time as you need to be complete with each step before moving on.
PREPARE YOUR ENERGY - In a safe space, begin by breathing deeply into your entire body, allowing any energies which are no longer for your highest good to gently fall away into the Earth.
CONNECT WITH THE EARTH - Feel those outdated energies being returned to the Earth in offering, connecting you with Mama Earth and feeling her loving support.
PRESENCE THE EGO - Say hello to your ego—your personality—the one who goes by your Earthly name in this life. Notice who they are, what they feel like, how they show up. Hold space for them to be exactly as they are, a whole and perfect ego being.
PRESENCE THE SOUL - Invite your Soul or Spirit to be present, continuing to hold space for your ego (who might feel intimidated or experience other difficult emotions as your Spirit shows up). Notice the beauty and power of your Soul. Notice how vast and gentle it is. Notice how sweet is its attitude toward the ego.
SEE DEEPLY & HOLD SPACE - Look at them both… allowing yourself to experience the unique qualities of both the Soul and the ego. Each is a different expression of the Divine. Each has an important place in the Universe exactly as they are.
CREATE A PARTNERSHIP - Now invite them to curtsey, bow, shake hands, or whatever feels right for them to share as a gesture of friendship. Invite them to See each other deeply, holding space to allow the other to be exactly as they are. Notice any emotions that arise (especially in the ego), and allow them to be exactly as they are. Invite them to cultivate a conscious partnership.
ASK FOR HELP - Ask the Divine and your unique Team of guardians and helpers to support this relationship and bring your environment into alignment with this new partnership.
The Soul and the ego often operate as two sides of the same coin, never able to see each other or share in the same vision. When we bring them into harmonious alignment, we invite our ego to participate on our Soul’s journey and we invite the vast resources of the Soul to share in the simple joys of the personality.
Questions for Journaling & Reflection
What does your ego feel like?
What do you love about your ego?
How do you know when your ego is running the show?
What does it feel like to befriend your ego and live in integrated partnership between Spirit and ego?
Blessings for the journey, dear one…
If you’d like you’d like support in bringing your Soul and your ego together in harmonious alignment to form a powerhouse partnership, you can book an Energy Magic session here.
Or upgrade to paid and join the Magical Community…
I have a feeling this will be coming up in our next Community Energy Magic Coaching Session! 💜✨
What a great article! I feel like I spent years battling my ego and it never got me anywhere. Looking at the ego as a roommate really helps to shift that dynamic.